Day 3 and cat poop capers

So, I wasn't incarcerated for the past month, even though that's what I told readers to assume. I got lazy, no felonies.

Recap of Day 3: I was awash in nausea. I made a spittoon out of a disposable coffee cup. I believe I went to the restroom 18 times in 8 hours of work. And, I was a quitter. I stopped the pink stuff and switched to just teal because there's no point in taking something for energy and fat burning when you can only run if you're willing to splatter paint with lunch + treadmill.

I switched to a lower dose version of the pink and started that today. No spit cup needed, and I'm only feeling like I did a line instead of a full sheet of college rule. We'll see how workouts go now.

So, cat poop assault story time!

I eat microwave meals. I work with thieves. Over about a one month period, I lost at least 2 lunches a week to one jackass. Once, okay fine, maybe it was a mistake, but every time I brought this chicken meal, without fail? Jackass. I wrote my name on it. Didn't help. I used the takes-8-hours-to-cook-in-a-communal-microwave-that-people-waste-their-lunch-waiting-to-use lasagna as a shield to make it harder to find. I put a note on it even telling the person if they needed it THAT much to simply call me and I'd give it to them willingly. They took the lunch and left the note. I tried reconnaissance, but the building area I'm in has about 400 people, I couldn't check every personal trashcan without it getting weird.

So, I got creative and I got even.

Have you ever really looked at a microwave meal? They're non-descript chunks with a few items that might have once been a chicken or cow, or pig butthole. This meal was rice, herbs and chicken chunks in a green sauce. The sauce hides a lot, and I have made my peace with that. I made my meal at home, carefully extracting it from the package, and very carefully removing the film only partially. I ate it and then using fresh cilantro, uncooked rice and litter covered cat shits, I replaced the contents of the meal. I glued the film back on and the package closed. I wrote my name on the meal, keeping up appearances. And I took it to work for "lunch."

I now know he or she is the type of person to set it and forget it with the pilfered meals, and the stench was nearly bad enough to warrant evacuation. Small price to pay for piece of mind... and piece of cat shit. To this day I do not know who was stealing my lunch, or if they still work there. I do however know they will not fuck with my lunches again. Justice is blind, but she has a sense of smell.

Day 2 - Weeping brown eye and verpees

Last night:
Sleep? We don’t need no stinking sleep. Apparently somewhere between teal meth dose 2 and bedtime my brain lost all ability to shut down. It’s 1 am, I’m thinking about what to get my dad for his birthday. At midnight I was thinking about taxes. Not stressed, just thinking. I might have solved cancer if you put it in front of me last night. I think I may have been a teensy bit late on Dose 2 and was about….2 hours late on the night time stuff. Wheeeeee. However, on my two-2 hour sleep chunks, I was still able to get up, get ready, and drive NINETY minutes to work in the snow. Teal meth is effective.

Before and after Dose 1:
Nausea. Before taking it to the point of having to choke it and the requisite food down with my iron will. 2 Pepto in and I still have to be fearful of farts. Stomach and colon have revolted against the teal dictator. It’s better with gum in my arsenal, which helps with the tremendous fount’o’spit that used to be a free space under my tongue too. Eating is not so interesting, but I certainly didn’t think THAT was how this supplement would help. Oh, and the citrus burp from yesterday, I think it’s a warning that I will be burping and hesitantly farting down the aisle of a nearby team I hate for the next 6 hours.

As much as it confuses me, I seem to be less nauseated when I’m active and moving. Again, not sure how I expected this to work, but that wasn’t what I thought. This makes me question my workout tonight. Will I pass out? Will my heart explode? Will I shit my yoga pants at the gym? Stay tuned, answers tonight at 11!

So, it would have been super helpful to know there's a tolerance period where you're only supposed to take 1 teal meth. It would also be helpful if they told you that 2 to start makes your butt cry. A lot. I dropped my intake.


Dose 2, only 1 pill this time:
MF stole my yogurt! I was all ready for a taste of Hawaii with my pineapple on the bottom, and MF stole it. I’m not full on raging, but this is an ongoing issue with the work fridge. So much so that at one point I employed cat poop. Blog for another day.

Workout is suffering, so this might not last too much longer. When burpees turn to verpees and I get a core workout from holding my heaves back and the millionth hiccup of the day, not a calorie burning workout.  BREAKING NEWS AT 11: Only 2 out of the three came close to happening, I'll let you fill in the blanks with whatever options you like.

Day 2 verdict: Teal meth, now with 100% more morning sickness!

Color coded heart failure - Day 1

So, I'm working out for my extracurricular activities. I needed a boost to get back on the high horse of gym goers, so I invested in this 3 pack of legal meth.  I have taken "supplements" like this before many years ago. Most notably something with ripped in the name that I got at Wally World for $16. (As if that alone shouldn't have been enough of a warning.) I was vibrating and could feel my pulse in my tongue and lips. I think quit that about 10 seconds before my heart exploded from my chest to do the Can Can.

Now a few friends have tried it and I believe the term is "Satan's asshole."  From pregnancy-level mood swings to being consumed with a violent rage, they didn't really feel blissful. I'm a generally hostile person, subject sudden bouts of psycho viper bitch anyway so enjoy the ride with me. If the post abruptly stop, I'm in jail and should remain there until I've fully detoxed for the safety of all.

Dose 1:
Well fuck buckets. No caffeine allowed. Is that for the 5 days of 7 I take this, or forever and ever, amen? I know there's a pill in this that's supposed to help with moods, but I don't think it's strong enough for my coffee rages. Fine. Fuck. Whatever.
 12 oz of water, 3 pills. Then I eat. OF COURSE people are going to lose weight on this, you drink an asston of water.

10 minutes in I've eaten and I've thrown up in my mouth. Twice. The first time it just tasted like citrus and I thought if this is just OJ concentrate I'm going to be pissed. Then I did it again and yup, there it is, the flavor of breakfast mixed with ass. Delish.

90 minutes in I'm a goddamn superhero! With literally the shittiest power ever. I can smell everything. My purse smells like the bacon we cooked last week. My yoga pants could stand a wash. The cat just peed in the litter box....downstairs. The dog just ate a "cat treat" from that litter box. Either I'm Super Smeller Girl, or I'm having a stroke.

Couple hours in I'm teething again. More accurately, I'm drooling like I'm teething. All the water I've been drinking is coming back our from under my tongue - I've invented reverse urination. And I changed my pants. Leaning towards stroke more now.

Took a hit off my inhaler because of some morning wheezing, this "no stimulant" stipulation is serious business. I'm can feel all my cells dancing. Before you worry, this isn't that unusual when I use my inhaler, lasting a bit longer than I'm used to though. Teal meth is yummy!

I vibrate less when I do jumping jacks. However, husband said I shouldn't do them in the office because there's no floor supports. I think he's calling me fat. Yeah, he's calling me fat. Hello, taking pills for that. Ass! He made me lunch though, and that lessened the drooling. He gets a pass.... for now. I have another dose to take, then we'll see.... He also told me I'm writing like Hunter S. Thompson, SCORE!

Dose 2:
I just did 4:30 of hovers. And tricep dips, for fun. So I'm definitely peppier. And I get more now! Yay, gimmie, gimmie, gimmie! Actually, I was just starting to feel normal, oh well. Snacks and drugs, best time of the day. I've also managed to not use my daily allowance of aggression so far. Go me!
I am sweating my balls off. Like hovers made the space between my boobs a drainage ditch of sweat that did a loop in my belly button. Salty and SEXY. Give me a lick ;)

Couple hours in, exercise? Still drooling, though on the dog walk I was mostly spitting and dragging them along so they don't pee in every single yard. On a 50 minute trek, I'm drooling/spitting, and one of the dogs has the shits. Bright orange shits, in a snow bank, in front of a business that is open. Being a decent person I try to clean it up with a bag, so I'm drooling, spitting, and now gagging because it's rancid, like I'm actually dripping drool when bent over. Fucking superpowers. Let me tell you, I better get cut from this stuff, because I've never felt hotter.
Thankfully, I didn't take my shirt off because I've created another thing.... pitting out a shirt to below tit level.

Day one verdict? MOIST.