Lurkin Merkin Sexpert

If we're to believe all the ladies magazines, our sex lives are all bland lumps of unseasoned mashed potatoes left on the counter until cool. We are in need of 10 tips, or 4 tricks, or 7 things he'll (or she'll, I don't judge how you love, though that's more work that I'd want in the bedroom) never ask for but secretly wants. I would like to give you some practical bedroom advice without the crap.

• If you think he secretly wants something you are dumb. He wants sex, any sex will do, enthusiastic is best. Also, if there's any "hidden" desires, they are probably not so hidden on his computer. Get over thinking you look fat naked, or that he's comparing you to porn chicks. They have razor burn, ass zits, cottage cheese legs they're desperately containing in thigh highs, and they can't get their men to take their socks off; you've got them beat.
  Do a search for .jpg, and get your nasty on. He's going to look at porn, you just go right ahead and find something you like and surprise him with it. Have a freak off, could be fun, could end the relationship, better to know now!
• You can buy all the lingerie you want in the world, but what you really need is a merkin. Forget vajazzling, we're talking 70's style sculpted hedge, all the way to the backyard. No roadkill though ladies, if PETA objects to it because it traps small animals, you need to tame it. But, nothing says I'm up for the strange like a jaunty top hat atop your lady lips. And, with a collection of festive fuzzy vaghats, you are ready for any occasion, and you can always go bare. Valenpoops? How about a heart pointing the way to love. Feeling clubby? No problem. Get yourself a pink one and rave that junk up!

• No matter what Cosmo tells you, he doesn't want one in his stink. He doesn't. Farts are funny. Poop can be funny. Funny shouldn't make a regular appearance in the bedroom. Sure there's the times when the condom snaps back into his balls so hard he turns purple with the instakill to the jewels, but that's not the same. Also, even if he does get past the clench, giggle, shoo, you've probably got fingernails. That does not cross the fleshy fun bridge to the danger zone, nor should it, that's all kinds of stabby.
• Totally practical advice: use the right lube. Let me tell you as a toy dissolves due to incorrect lube it creates acid that makes you wish you were giving birth because then at least you'd know when it was about over. You don't need a bunch of fancy stuff, but just keep in mind silicone toys + silicone lube = melted snatch syndrome. Friends don't let friends burn their clits off.

Because no discussion of sex would be incomplete without lies to tell the product of sex, children, tonight's lie:
If you turn a cat inside out you'll get a dog, but if you turn a dog inside out it creates a werewolf who will eat your family and then refuse to poop anywhere but the middle of your bed.