Girl Problems

I realize that's a terrifying title, especially to my one "verified" male reader, but I promise you, it's worth it.

I have a workout tip for everyone, but in particular females, choose the right underwear! Yes, I judge the girl in front of me going 15 miles an hour on the elliptical with no resistance in her shorty shorts with the granny panty line. Seriously, you either want your ass out or not, pick one. I judge her. I do it. That's not what I'm talking about here, though.

I take classes at my gym, but I also spend a decent amount of time on a treadmill and other cardio machines. I always wear cotton athletic pants and as a general day-to-day rule I wear a thong (yay for sharing!) because I see people pick their butts all day, and I figure I might as well put my underwear there by choice. Also, it helps people not judge me like I do them. So, I'm at the gym wearing my usual outfit. I'm running cross country mode on the treadmill and at 1.5 miles in, I can hardly move my legs. Sometime between 4.5 mph with 6 incline and 5.5 mph  and 10 incline my clit has migrated out of the safe harbor of my thong.  For the past half mile I've been penguin walking trying to resolve the issue but my funbutton is firmly pinched between the lace and elastic edge of underwear and my leg. I have my burn going (in 2 ways) and I hate being a quitter, so I slow my roll, and try to adjust without reaching down my pants. Doesn't work. I keep jogging and shifting and sweating and cringing and grunting. I would call that nutting up, but that works a little too well.

Now here's where I put it in perspective. Take all the sensitive tissue of guy junk, put it in a tiny little package and give it flaps, what the hell, why not? Imagine someone put a wooden clothes pin on that and yanks it back and forth every 2 seconds for 15 minutes. I know people pay good money for that kind of porn, but it was not kinky when I didn't choose my torture.

I am now at 1.75 miles and I was going to do 2.5, but I cannot, even discretely shoving my whole arm down my pants, relocate my girl bits. I figured I could make it to 2 miles, and I did. But at what cost?

Friction burn on my funbutton was the cost.

No underwear I own could comfortably contain the inflamed (in the not fun at all way) flappy female goodness.
I put on granny panties, too compressed, not designed for that much....stuff.
I tried boyshorts, too much room in the dangerzone.
I THREW the offensive underwear away and penguin walked the rest of the night to keep everything as motionless as possible. I slept like a guy, nothing on and legs open letting it all literally hang out because that's the only way I could actually stop whimpering.

Lesson learned.  Underwear matter and tuck your junk at the gym. MF girl problems.

Lie of the day:
Cockroaches, millipedes and scorpions are actually aliens that were brought back from a moon zoo. Centipedes are local and bastards.