Girl Problems Vol 2

It has been a long time. I didn't die from the supplements, but after filling half of an 8 oz cup with my saliva during the workday I found our relationship untenable.

So, you're caught up.

Now I have a question for fitness buffs out there. Crossfitters, OCR girls, athletes with teats in general, whatev:

Have you ever burpeed and squat box jumped so hard you partially ejected your tampon?

I have made a complete ass out of myself in several awful ways: broke a bone in the top of my foot by stepping into a cat bowl; underwear friction burn on my clit making me penguin walk; broke 2 toes doing a cartwheel (poorly) in a hotel hallway 100% sober.

I did not understand what "until failure" truly means in the fitness world.

I'm going along hating the burpees but feeling like a badass because I was sucking it up and even doing pushups with them. Came up at the end of 25 feeling off. I started checking stuff off: abs in, back flat, knees soft.... wth, okay. Next up 52 seconds of squat box jumps.
Abs in, check.
Knees soft, check.
Land in a squat ass tight, check.
Repeat and...
OH WHAT THE BLOODY HELL. Partial poon plug ejection.

Okay, I've got great muscle control, I'll just.... flex it back in, finish out the class and secure it. Let me tell you, as soon as you stop you have the instructor's attention and the eyes of all 3 men in class and the suction power of my coot is severely diminished. Period performance anxiety I guess?

I try anyway. Feel like it's good enough to wait for the break at least.

10 seconds of jumps left.
Abs in, check.
Knees soft, check.
Land in a squat ass tight, check.

SHIT. There is no sucking that up. So I walk out of class trying to clench in a way that prevents this squishy little surprise from snaking its way out of my thong.

Since I was woefully unprepared for jettison powers Crossfit kegels so I built a TP barricade and hoped for the best.

Now you know the real dangers of burpees. Secure your strings ladies.

Girl Problems

I realize that's a terrifying title, especially to my one "verified" male reader, but I promise you, it's worth it.

I have a workout tip for everyone, but in particular females, choose the right underwear! Yes, I judge the girl in front of me going 15 miles an hour on the elliptical with no resistance in her shorty shorts with the granny panty line. Seriously, you either want your ass out or not, pick one. I judge her. I do it. That's not what I'm talking about here, though.

I take classes at my gym, but I also spend a decent amount of time on a treadmill and other cardio machines. I always wear cotton athletic pants and as a general day-to-day rule I wear a thong (yay for sharing!) because I see people pick their butts all day, and I figure I might as well put my underwear there by choice. Also, it helps people not judge me like I do them. So, I'm at the gym wearing my usual outfit. I'm running cross country mode on the treadmill and at 1.5 miles in, I can hardly move my legs. Sometime between 4.5 mph with 6 incline and 5.5 mph  and 10 incline my clit has migrated out of the safe harbor of my thong.  For the past half mile I've been penguin walking trying to resolve the issue but my funbutton is firmly pinched between the lace and elastic edge of underwear and my leg. I have my burn going (in 2 ways) and I hate being a quitter, so I slow my roll, and try to adjust without reaching down my pants. Doesn't work. I keep jogging and shifting and sweating and cringing and grunting. I would call that nutting up, but that works a little too well.

Now here's where I put it in perspective. Take all the sensitive tissue of guy junk, put it in a tiny little package and give it flaps, what the hell, why not? Imagine someone put a wooden clothes pin on that and yanks it back and forth every 2 seconds for 15 minutes. I know people pay good money for that kind of porn, but it was not kinky when I didn't choose my torture.

I am now at 1.75 miles and I was going to do 2.5, but I cannot, even discretely shoving my whole arm down my pants, relocate my girl bits. I figured I could make it to 2 miles, and I did. But at what cost?

Friction burn on my funbutton was the cost.

No underwear I own could comfortably contain the inflamed (in the not fun at all way) flappy female goodness.
I put on granny panties, too compressed, not designed for that much....stuff.
I tried boyshorts, too much room in the dangerzone.
I THREW the offensive underwear away and penguin walked the rest of the night to keep everything as motionless as possible. I slept like a guy, nothing on and legs open letting it all literally hang out because that's the only way I could actually stop whimpering.

Lesson learned.  Underwear matter and tuck your junk at the gym. MF girl problems.

Lie of the day:
Cockroaches, millipedes and scorpions are actually aliens that were brought back from a moon zoo. Centipedes are local and bastards.