"It's all worth it when you see your child," "It's the most amazing experience, I wouldn't trade it for anything in the world," "Blah, blah, I'm freaking crazy, blah," are just a few of the things I've heard from mothers. None of that compares to other truths some honest mothers have shared with me. So prepare, because I will now share with you the foundation of my fear of annihilation by impregnation.
- "Your feet get bigger during pregnancy" - Jesus H Christ in a ham sandwich hot air balloon! I have big feet for a woman of my height. What the shit am I going to do with a half a size more on these Sasquatch feet besides cry over all the shoes I can never wear again? Nope. Just nope. Patent leather pumps over parenthood!
- "Your face rounds out" "Your hair changes" "Your teeth get weak" - I know, I'm sounding pretty vain, but I don't think it's fair I have to morph into another person to create life. Hello, the little hitchhiker in my uterus is stealing from me, and making me look like I swallowed a turducken whole after mating with Stretch Armstrong. Who in their right mind WANTS to be pillaged?
- Twat Transplant Syndrome - "I look like my twat was transplanted from a black girl!" Um.... what? Real thing. Not only does nature draw an equator down your alien-occupied bloat to remind you that you're the size of the Earth, but apparently all pigment gets stuck below the belt and girl junk goes rogue, and ethnic. I'm not Mrs. Potato Head, my parts are not interchangeable.
- "Most women poop a little during birth" - I know what I'm capable of producing. It is more a matter of being courteous to the hospital staff and anyone else who might witness that. You cannot un-see a woman crank out a chocolate bar the size of her forearm, so let's just not do that, okay?
- "I couldn't take a bath, because of the stitches [pulling her cout back together] and my boobs hurt so badly, I had to do something. So, I was squatted down in the tub, letting my boobs hang in the water until they didn't feel like rocks." - 1) That's a whole new meaning to drop it like it's hot. 2) Hell no. If I'm in that position it better be because I'm getting railed, not because my lady bits look like a poorly held together lunch meat and my boobs have turned from funbags into cement high-pressure milk guns.
- "Your bladder is weaker and you can pee a little when you laugh, sneeze or just breath too deeply" and "Your vagina is extra moist all the time" - So what you're saying is I'm going to constantly feel a breeze and wonder if I've wet myself in one way or another. I will always leak? And for a while my boobs will ache or leak or both? All the while I'm bleeding like I've never bled before? [Manics.] And there will be diapers with varying levels of juices to go with that, for the next 1 to 2 ish years? Way too much liquid from too many places, if anything else leaked that much you'd tear it down or at least replace the plumbing.
Nope, not having a vag-burster Alien style, thanks.
